Episode Four: The Declaration of Courtesy
Bishop Lionel Daniel opened his eyes and sat up. He was drenched with sweat. At first he thought his time on the national show was simply a nightmare, but then he remembered: He was back at home, in his own bed, and the real life nightmare was just beginning.
Daniel threw back the covers and leaped out of bed. He was a large man, and the glass of water on his bedstand tipped over when his feet hit the floor. “Great,” he mumbled. He glanced at the clock on the far wall. Almost 11:15 pm. He’d been asleep a long time.
He walked out of the bedroom, down the hallway, and into the large, comfortable living room. His wife was watching television.
“Is that the O’Rourke show?” he called out hoarsely.
Hattie looked at him and nodded sadly. “Are you sure you want to watch?”
Hearing his wife’s words, Lionel Daniel felt the panic growing at an exponential rate. He sat down beside his wife of thirty years. “It’s that bad?”
A commercial was playing and Hattie Daniel muted the sound. “Let’s just say you have some work to do.”
“In the studio, I knew this was the Prince of the air. I could feel it.”
Hattie Daniel placed her long slim fingers on her husband’s broad shoulders. “It’s the devil, all right. But…you may have given him an opening.”
Before Bishop Daniel could reply, the commercial ended and there was Zack O’Rourke sitting behind his large, sparse desk. Gay activist Mike Minor sat to his left, and appeared very calm. Bishop Daniel sat two seats away from Minor.
The Bishop didn’t appear calm at all.
His face a grim mask, Zack O’Rourke spoke to his audience. “Welcome back, folks. I would never have believed the last time these two tangled on my show could be topped, but man o man…” O’Rourke left the words hanging there. Then, with practiced expertise, he exploded, “What is going on here?!”
Mike Minor, the gay activist who was rumored to be on the short list for the President’s next Youth Education Czar, said, “The Bishop is trying to say he is not a part of the very agreement he has signed.”
“That is a lie!” roared Bishop Daniel. Watching with dread fascination, Daniel could hear his wife gasp in surprise.
Mike Minor wagged a finger at the Bishop, as if scolding a little boy.
“Okay, okay, Mike Minor, Bishop Daniel, let’s unravel this thing.” Zack O’Rourke held up a copy of the Declaration of Courtesy. “Bishop, this document appears to have been drafted specifically for the Body of Christ. We have it up there on the screen. Look at some of the language. It starts by quoting the Psalms about unity. Got that?”
“Yes, I got that,” interrupted the Bishop. “And as your audience reads the first paragraph of this thing, they will see that it is intended just for Christians.”
“Yes, right, and that is who signed: Evangelical Christians,” shot back Mike Minor.
“This is about the most despicable effort I have seen from you, Mike Minor,” the Bishop relplied.
Dramatically, Zack O’Rourke held up both hands. “All right, gentlemen, I would like to finish my comments. It is my show, if you recall. Now, there seems to be several things going on here. Bishop, you are admitting you signed, but you say you knew nothing about the pro-homosexual individuals who also signed, is that correct?”
Daniel nodded.
“But Bishop, if that is so–and I believe you to be a man of honor–how could you then allow your name to remain on this agreement? Are you saying that with all the publicity this document has garnered, you have not asked to have your name removed?”
Mike Minor said, “He knew about the pro-gay signatories from the beginning. He knows how broad evangelical Christendom is. Fortunately, Zack, we have proof, he was informed exactly who is on the list, and he left his name there anyway. More than a month ago.”
“What?!” exclaimed O’Rourke and Daniel simultaneously.
“Yes. I will be happy to provide documentation. This is my point, and I wish the Bishop could be upfront about this.”
In their living room, Hattie turned to Lionel. “I’ve seen most of this already, when they showed it at eight tonight.”
“Shhhh!” Bishop Daniel watched as Mike Minor handed several documents to a skeptical Zack O’Rourke. “What we have here is a man who fully supported the Declaration of Courtesy but, under pressure from Bible fundamentalists, is now trying to renege on his original support.”
“Do you know how ridiculous that is?” Bishop Daniels said angrily. “I am the man who led the effort against same-sex marriage. Your little sham is going end here.”
Mike Minor smiled sadly. “Bishop, the sham is yours. You came to understand the diversity and tolerance of Christ. That’s why you signed. Now you are trying to wiggle away.”
O’Rourke held up the papers the gay activist had just given him. “Bishop, do you know a columnist named Hanratty? Bob Hanratty? Did someone with this name contact you?”
Bishop Lionel Bishop was slow in answering. He looked at Mike Minor. He looked at O’Rourke. He licked his lips. “I recall the name…”
“You recall the name? That is positively precious!” Mike Minor’s laughter could be heard in the hallway outside the studio where O’Rourke’s show was being filmed.
To be continued.
Episodes of Attack of the Evange-hellicals:
1. How to silence the black Bishop: HERE
2. The Bishop and the televised lie: HERE
3. C.R.O.C.-o-matic: HERE
4. Declaration of Courtesy: HERE
Announcement: Evange-hellicals Anonymous help available: HERE
5. The LORD is a man of war (Exodus 15:3): HERE
Newsbreak: Unhappy Evange-hellicals Anonymous member speaks out: HERE
6. The Fleas and Pets Newsletter: HERE
7. Enough with the propaganda points: HERE
Intermission: Popcorn half price for evangelicals: SNACKS
8. Espresso with the Just Jesus Christian: HERE
9. Nothing he could say: HERE
Advertisement: Universalist “Big Tent” Toy Set For The Kids! HERE
10. Episco-contemplatives: HERE
10.5 Jenni Botswana knows the Lion HERE
11. What is happening HERE
12. Howls and Lamentations HERE
13. Unholy Times and an Unholy People: HERE
14. Jenni Botswana, Early Bird: HERE
15. The evangelist and the rotting fruit: HERE
15.5 Fleas and Heretics HERE
Evange-Smellicals Perfume Commercial: SNIFF
16. Gay Activist and the Puritan Preacher: HERE
17. HELL’S BELLS: HERE
18. Homo-Universalism: HERE
19. Evange-hellicals and People of the Book: HERE
Infomercial: Evange-hellicals Bible sells out first day: HERE
20. Gomer Joe’s Bar: HERE
21. Return of the Anti-Flea Sauce HERE
22. Hanratty praying, the enemy preying: HERE
Announcement: Talking Evange-tellicals in our lobby! HERE
23. “What, you’re a reformed lesbian?” HERE
24. This thing that is upon us: HERE
25. What a beautiful girl: HERE
26. Better to struggle than burn: HERE
27. The Street Preacher HERE
28: Epilogue: Rifles and Parade: HERE
copyright 2010 John Lanagan (This is a work of fiction and all characters are fictional)
