Move over, The Message. There’s a new pseudo-Bible in town.
The Evange-hellicals Bible has sold out almost as soon as the stores placed it on their shelves.
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” marveled Stan Yukovitch, General Manager of Kindawarm Christian Bookstores, Inc. “People were running into our stores the minute we opened.”
Also selling out were the Evange-hellicals Bible Studies, a series of studies based on the hit movie, Attack of the Evange-hellicals.
“We like these studies a lot,” said Jamie Luftwaffe-Witherspoon, a college student. “They left all the icky stuff like sin and stuff out, you know?”
The Evange-hellicals Bible comes with glossy pictures of some of the most popular characters in the movie, but has no reference to homosexuality or sexual immorality whatsoever.
“We wanted an uplifting Bible that put out a good vibe,” commented Sally de Sardis, a manager of one of the chainstores.
1. How to silence the black Bishop: HERE
2. The Bishop and the televised lie: HERE
3. C.R.O.C.-o-matic: HERE
4. Declaration of Courtesy: HERE
Announcement: Evange-hellicals Anonymous help available: HERE
5. The LORD is a man of war (Exodus 15:3): HERE
Newsbreak: Unhappy Evange-hellicals Anonymous member speaks out: HERE
6. The Fleas and Pets Newsletter: HERE
7. Enough with the propaganda points: HERE
Intermission: Popcorn half price for evangelicals: SNACKS
8. Espresso with the Just Jesus Christian: HERE
9. Nothing he could say: HERE
Advertisement: Universalist “Big Tent” Toy Set For The Kids! HERE
10. Episco-contemplatives: HERE
10.5 Jenni Botswana knows the Lion HERE
11. What is happening HERE
12. Howls and Lamentations HERE
13. Unholy Times and an Unholy People: HERE
14. Jenni Botswana, Early Bird: HERE
15. The evangelist and the rotting fruit: HERE
15.5 Fleas and Heretics HERE
Evange-Smellicals Perfume Commercial: SNIFF
16. Gay Activist and the Puritan Preacher: HERE
17. HELL’S BELLS: HERE
18. Homo-Universalism: HERE
19. Evange-hellicals and People of the Book: HERE
Infomercial: Evange-hellicals Bible sells out first day: HERE
20. Gomer Joe’s Bar: HERE
21. Return of the Anti-Flea Sauce HERE
22. Hanratty praying, the enemy preying: HERE
Announcement: Talking Evange-tellicals in our lobby! HERE
23. “What, you’re a reformed lesbian?” HERE
24. This thing that is upon us: HERE
25. What a beautiful girl: HERE
26. Better to struggle than burn: HERE
27. The Street Preacher HERE
28: Epilogue: Rifles and Parade: HERE
Thanks, Manfred. Made a change.
That is way better…
I thought Stan Yukovitch was General Manager of Luke-Warm Christian Bookstores, Inc.